I’ve always been a bit ‘weird’, I’ll be the first to admit it, and it’s definitely no secret. When I was younger I didn’t even realise it, truth be known. People would whisper, call me names, deliberately exclude me and I just happily went along with my life, not batting an eyelid. It was a lot easier not knowing, and I only realised that I was bullied through Primary school when my mother mentioned it in an off-hand manner a few years ago.
No, as far as I was concerned, the bullying began when I
reached Comprehensive school. That’s the general trend, isn’t it? All that
change, someone needs to play the victim. And so, as it happened, one of those
victims was me. Bit of a know-it-all, more than a bit chubby, and with my best
friend barely in school, I was something of an easy target.
It starts off as it normally does, just the odd comment from
some pig-headed boy, a cruel laugh from an eleven year old bitch-in-the-making.
Nothing that I wasn’t used to, and nothing that I really noticed. It only really became a problem when it started
coming from one of the few friends I’d managed to make.
She wasn’t downright attacking me, neither verbally or
physically. It would simply be a small, degrading comment that would lodge
itself into my brain and stay there, niggling at me for weeks. A condescending
tone that let me know that she was in charge, that she knew how to press my buttons. She’d treat me like her lapdog,
and I’d come running when she called. What I called a friendship, she called a
following, and I was expected to sit there and take it as she constantly put me
down in front of anyone who cared.
As my self-esteem plummeted, so did others’ opinions of me.
The bullying became more widespread, or at least I became more aware of it. I
was rejected from social group after social group, being shifted from one
clique to another. And then, finally, came acceptance. It was from one girl who
I’d secretly looked up to, despite her blasé disregard for my feelings the
previous year. She decided to take me under her wing, and I worshipped the
ground she walked on. And I wish I
was being overdramatic.
At some point, things changed. I didn’t see it happen, I
still to this day don’t know why. All I know is, one day I was right in her
pocket, and the next I was the dog’s dinner. I stood hurt and confused as my
‘best friend’ spread rumours about me, told my friends that I’d spoken ill of
them, did everything in her power to alienate me. I was left alone; left to
ponder what it was that I had done. Whenever we saw each other, all pretence of
friendship would be gone and replaced with acidic comments on my appearance and
weight. Alone once more, I was driven back to the arms of that one girl, the
one who wanted a posse not a friend.
I lose track of what happened thereon in, as I completely
broke down. My self-esteem was at an all-time low, and my so-called friend did
little to help. After nothing short of encouragement, I began eating less and
less food, eventually cutting it out altogether. I lost my puppy fat, but
nobody could tell me quick enough that it wasn’t enough. I recall a
particularly ‘helpful’ girl telling me that the best way to lose weight was to
purge, and purge I did. Every day, I would stick my fingers down my throat and
vomit any food I’d eaten. Behind my back people mocked me, but to my face I was
encouraged. I was constantly given the impression that it wasn’t good enough,
and I strived for the approval that never came.
My ‘friend’ and I were in the unhealthiest relationship
imaginable. Between every moment that we were as thick as thieves, we were at
each other’s throats. As we grew further apart, I saw her take every
opportunity to make my life a hell on earth. She’d go out of her way to upset
me, whether it was telling the school gossip my deepest secret, embarrassing me
in front of my classmates or simply insulting me until I was close to nothing.
It sounds ridiculous, I know, but she really would do anything to make me
miserable. It was the kind of bullying which you can’t pinpoint, which you
can’t explain and others can’t see. She knew how I worked so well, better than
I did myself. She sabotaged my friendships, demolished my confidence and
muscled in on my life just so she could push me out of it. I barely knew
myself, but she knew there was more to come.
In one of the rare moments of friendship, she told me how
people stop feeling hurt. She told me that there’s one way to get rid of this
feeling, and it was very simple. She even stole the craft knife for me herself,
telling me to cut it all out. And I did. She exploited me, showcasing my
weakness as I self harmed more and more. It became an addiction fed by her
hatred, a secret addiction which she blew up to public proportions. She
encouraged me to confide in her, then openly mocked me when my back was turned.
And with every move she made, every cut got deeper. I cycled into depression,
therapy, a world of self-hatred which I’m still in now. But still, I was
blinded enough to call her my friend.
This continued for 5 years. The bullying from one girl
spread across the entire school body, and I was a social outcast. Getting up in
the morning was a struggle, going to school was almost impossible. I grew
thinner, addicted to purging and the blade. It resulted in vast amounts of
suicidal thoughts, and a number of attempts. Those who were my true friends
couldn’t handle it, which is to be expected. I was alone, depressed and a
serious danger to myself, all because of this one girl. It was only my parents’
fear and my hatred of therapy which brought me back to earth.
Even now, at 18 years of age, we cannot get along. I’ve
tried, I can assure you, but she will go out of her way to make sure nobody
forgets who I was two years ago. She expects our mutual friends to ignore and
exclude me as she tells them of all my flaws on a regular basis. I expected
some form of truce as we entered adult life, but she will not rest unless I am
unhappy. And sadly, despite all the reasons she’s given me to hate her, I would
much rather befriend her than continue like this. Even as I’m about to embark
on an entirely new chapter of my life, she knows she still has that hold on me.
It’s terrifying, and I fear what one girl can reduce someone to.
